The Computer Programmer’s Guide to Smalltalk (version 0.8)

Standard

//engaging smalltalk.exe//

Hi- //print variable: $name//
//error 404 – $name not found//
//smalltalk failed ABORT ABORT//
//…rebooting. Press any key to continue//
Hi!
How’s it going?
How’s that- //print variable $relevant personal detail//
-thing coming along?
Oh, that’s good.
Me? I’m- //accessing platitude database//
-fine. I’ve been pretty busy, but it’s going well.

//searching for conversation programs…//
//searching…//
//searching…//
//conversation programs found – options: sports, politics, television, incoherent burbling//
//engaging sports_talk.exe//

‘So… do you follow the //calculating variable: $poshness//
– rugby?
Yeah?
Uhuh? //copy//
//paste//
//paste//

//paste//
And… uh… was that supposed to happen?
Oh, I see. So does that mean that –
//error – apathy overflow detected//
//program: sports_talk.exe has crashed//

//loading new conversation program…//
//options: television, politics, incoherent burbling//
//running inoffensive_political_nonesense.exe//
So, what did you think of the election result then?
Mmm. Yeah?
Well, I, uh – //warning – strong opinions detected, initiating conflict avoidance protocol//
//accessing political-joke database//
Me? Haha, I’m somewhere to the left of Genghis Khan!
Ha…
//loading new conversation program…//
//conversation options: television, incoherent burbling//
//running easy_TV_chat.exe…//
//error – accessing actor-name database failed//
//error – Games-of-Thrones-trivia files corrupted//
//dumping &^%£2data//
//failed to launch easy_TV_chat.exe//
//conversation options: incoherent burbling//

I… uh…
You… uh… new… hair?
Face? Nice… face, yes.
//connection lost – attempting to reconnect//
No, no, I’m fine.
I’m just a bit – //urgent maintenance update required – please restart//
– tired this evening.
I’ll probably head home soon, get some rest.
Oh, is that…? It is!
I’d better go say hi to… yeah.
Anyway, nice seeing you!
*sigh*
Thank god. Who even was that?
Your boyfriend? Oh. Well.
He seems… nice.
You know what?
I think I’d better go.
//smalltalk.exe has suffered a fatal exception//
//shutting down…//

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