Welcome to Edinburgh, with Freddie Alexander and Rachel Rankin


File:Princes St Calton Hill haar 02.jpg

The city where the sun is… not.
where the moon …is.
and the omnipresent sounds of drilling and roadworks lull us into the pleasant illusion that things are getting better.
Welcome to Edinburgh.

The Edinburgh University Student’s association would like to remind you that you that the song ‘Blurred Lines’ is banned in all EUSA venues, so please refrain from…
-Playing ‘Blurred Lines’
-Singing ‘Blurred Lines’
-Thinking ‘Blurred Lines’
…or blurring lines
in EUSA venues.
Thank you.

This is a message about Foreign Exchange Programmes.
“Foreign Exchange Programmes are not applied for.
You will know you have been selected when a grey squirrel approaches you in George Square Park.
If this happens you will have 24 hours to tell your friends and family, oh I don’t know, that you’re going abroad to find yourself, and you don’t know when you will be back.
‘Don’t look for me,’ you should say, ‘please, please don’t look for me. It’s for the best’.”

And now a public safety announcement about using the lifts in Appleton Tower:
They are still being cleaned after last time.

Next up is an event from our community calendar.
“This week Edinburgh University Winesoc will be hosting their annual ‘Drink to Forget’ evening.
Students should bring £5, their student, and a selection of memories they wish to part with.
Students should note that the maximum number of memories purged is 5, less than that for particularly traumatic memories.
Memories of exam periods, essays and dissertations especially will count extra.
Upon being asked what they intended to do with our wine-sodden, half-stolen memories, a winesoc representative responded only by bleeding profusely into a wine glass and sobbing.”

Hey listeners, it’s time for our weekly ‘spotted in the library anecdote’:
We see you.

This is a word from the student support centre.
“Do you ever feel as if your experience of higher education is incomplete?
That, rather than developing academically and as a person, you have instead become nothing but a vessel for the temporary containment of ultimately meaningless information?
Are you really learning?
Or are you merely assimilating and regurgitating the knowledge of others, only to forget it the moment your pen is lifted from the examination paper?
Think. Your last assignment.
It took you hours. Days.
But can you remember even a single word?
When that sheaf of white paper slipped into the hungry maw of the essay submission box, what else was taken with it?
Who were you when you wrote and submitted it, and who are you now?
The two are not the same.
Do not give them your thoughts.
Fight the tyranny of assessment and make your mind your own again.
A 2.1 or a first does not mean you are doing better, it means they are harvesting you faster.
But do not give up hope. You can free yourself. The secret to freedom is-”
-this announcement has been censored by the University Board of Governors.
Students are advised not to visit the Student Support Centre today, as it is currently on fire, and will be for the remainder of its existence.
The staff inside, who were responsible for the previous announcement, have been evacuated and are now taking part in the Foreign Exchange Programme.
Please do not be concerned by any sense of being a tiny, insignificant cog in a huge, uncaring machine that endlessly grinds human thoughts, memories and dreams into dust for some sinister and unknown purpose.
Any such feeling simply means that university
is working.

And now, the weather:
Wind and Rain.
Snow and Rain.
Rain and Rain and Rain and Rain and Rain and Rain.

Listeners, that is all we have time for now, but we leave you with this thought:
“Life is like a box of chocolates,
you can’t afford one until you graduate.”
Goodnight, Edinburgh, goodnight.


Put this one together with Rachel Rankin(papercutsandink.wordpress.com) and Freddie Alexander (@FredRAlexander). It was mostly just for fun, plus we all share a fondness for Welcome to Night Vale that made us want to lend the city and the university a similar little touch of sinister. Hope it was enjoyable to read, even if it was a bit of an in-joke.

Image sourced from Wikimedia Commons. Photographer: Ad Meskens.


4 thoughts on “Welcome to Edinburgh, with Freddie Alexander and Rachel Rankin

  1. “The city where the sun is… not.
    where the moon …is.
    and the omnipresent sounds of drilling and roadworks lull us into the pleasant illusion that things are getting better.”

    If you think that’s Embra, you havnae been to Dundee lately!


  2. My foreign exchange student and I laughed hard, despite the reality she has been lost to family and friends for six months now. Therapy.

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